How To Save A Marriage In Therapy
Does going to therapy or couples counseling really help solve all the issues that are tearing apart a relationship? This is the question most people are pondering as they grow desperate to save a marriage they really are not ready to let go of. The big question is whether talk sessions with someone else can really work for two people in crisis.
If you fall into this category seeking help with marital issues, it all hinges on how you go into your therapy sessions. You have to realize right from the start that there is no guarantee that someone else can fix your marriage. Ultimately, the real work has to be done by you and your spouse.
People that go into their sessions expecting the therapist or counselor to validate their own thoughts and feelings and fix the problems that they see in their mate are the ones that come out disappointed. What a therapist really provides is objectivity, not validation. The mindset has to be different if this approach is going to work for the couple.
This is not what a therapist is there to do. They are not going to take sides, mainly because there is no one person who is right in a marriage. Problems are a collective mess and both people have some things they are doing wrong and some things they are doing completely right.
Marital problems are always deeper than someone not taking out the trash or constantly being late for dates. What the therapist wants to do is get beneath all the squabbling and figure out what is really driving all the unhappiness and ultimately wrecking your relationship.
If you don’t fix the deeper issues the marriage will only continue to unravel.
In order to get to the bigger problems you have to go into counseling without the idea that someone is right and the other wrong. You have to be willing to just listen to your spouse without assuming what their words mean for you personally.
A husband who flies off the handle because his wife says she is lonely may shout out that he has to work because she sits at home with the kids earning nothing. This is defensiveness that prevents him from really hearing that she is lonely. This is what doesn’t work.
In order to save a marriage with the help of therapy, this husband would have to be willing to quietly listen to his wife talk about the loneliness without automatically assuming it is directed as an assault on him. He has to listen selflessly for it to work.
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